The Stress of Going Out When Your Little One Has Food Allergies
“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
Food is powerful. It has the ability bring us health or disease depending on our choices. It is also tied up with so many deeply ingrained emotions; day to day rituals, nostalgic traditions, celebrations, I could go on. These things make it so incredibly difficult to change the way we eat, because changing the way we eat impacts our whole life. Suddenly invitations to parties, going to friends’ houses for dinner, outings, holidays, restaurants, coffee catch-ups, playdates and playgroups become stressful situations to navigate. No one wants to be THAT customer at the restaurant asking exactly how the chef poaches the chicken and what oils are used to dress the salad.
We all want to enjoy dinner at a friends house without asking them to accommodate a long list of difficult dietary needs. We all long to order take-away when we are tired or grab a chocolate bar from the petrol station when we are feeling ravenous. We all want to savour the taste of a peanut butter and jam sandwich while reminiscing about picnics in the grass with our mums. We all want to share that piece of birthday cake, Christmas pudding, easter egg, anzac biscuit...
Food brings us together, it fosters bonding, marks important occasions and provides routine and normality to our lives. For those of us with allergies, intolerances, sensitivities and auto-immunity the inability to participate in the food can leave us feeling ostracised and isolated from those we love the most. To make it worse, it can frustrate those around us, some even feeling personally insulted when we don’t eat the cake they made. Some think that we are avoiding foods for attention or because we are neurotic. It’s a difficult path to tread. I want to tell you that you are not alone. This is hard. But don’t stop going out. Don’t decline the dinner invitation. Keep socialising. Keep talking to your friends. Tell them your worries, ask them about theirs. Some people won’t try to understand, but other friends will try to know what you are going through. Hold these people close. They are precious, and believe me, they exist.
It has helped me greatly to learn that I can create new rituals with my daughter around food. She won’t mourn non-existent sepia toned memories that I associate with a peanut butter sandwich. She will have sepia toned memories of pikelets for supper piled high with blueberries, gulping down banana mylkshakes on the veranda, chocolate avocado mousse for breakfast when mummy is tired, and strawberries cut into hearts. I feel so excited that we are creating our own traditions and rituals that will be special and unique to our little family.
When you are in the thick of anxiety wondering how to navigate a social situation where there is “danger food” everywhere and your child just wants an ice-cream like the other kids. Remember that you are not alone. There are other anxious hearted mummies saying “no” to their little ones when every ounce of their being wants to say “yes”. Mumma's saying “no” when they want to see the delight on their baby’s face as they lick the drips of ice-cream off their fingers, grinning that they are like the other kids for once. I know you are terrified that your little one might sneak a lick of that food that will hurt her. Afraid that one of the ice-cream eating kiddies will 'share' with your child and you won’t get there in time to intervene. I know you wonder if she ate something she shouldn’t have off the floor when you looked away for 30 seconds. I know the fear. But don’t stop going out.
If you hide away in your haven at home, safe from your childs “danger foods” yes, your precious little dot is safe. I know that is so important and your first priority. But it is no good for you and your child's overall wellbeing, socialisation, mental health. I'm talking about the WHOLE person here. There are other aspects to health than food. I forgot this for a while. Allergies can be all consuming, but you need to come up for air and so does your child.
It’s so important to stay a part of life outside your four walls. I know what it's like, I hid away from social events for a long time too. I’ll admit it, sometimes when things are tough I still do. The disappointment of missing out rests heavy on my chest but the fear of an exposure to a “danger food” that will hurt my child keeps me at home. If you feel yourself getting stuck, get help. Honestly, reach out. Tell people how stressed you are, how worried you are about your child and things will start to turn around. For me having the conversation has started to open deep conversations of mutual sharing. I am ever developing closer friendships and new friendships are beginning to develop too. Friends will start to ask more questions, some will try to accommodate your child's needs and some will even help keep a watchful eye on your child. Just because our friends can’t always understand doesn’t mean they don’t care.
Accept the help offered mumma, it will come in different forms. A listening ear, a hug, a coffee date, a playdate. Remember that everyone is going through their own trials and the mumma suggesting a playdate may need a listening ear and a hug just as much as you. We can help each other, this path doesn't having to be hobbling.
Let’s get something good out of the stress. Let’s get closer to our precious friends. Let's find new friend’s who try to understand. Let's hold each other close.
Hugs to you anxious mumma’s I know you could do with a break from your worried heart. Sending you strength and love from a fellow anxious heart
Love L x
